Have you ever felt so lost and empty that you wanted to end your life? Last night I watch the entire series on Netflix Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher, I could not tear myself away from the story of Hannah Baker. Suicide doesn’t just end the pain of the hurting person but it starts the pain of those left behind to deal with the aftermath. Once I finally got to number 13, I was spent. My head was pounding, I had cried during many of the episodes as my heart was breaking for Hannah Baker. I felt compelled to do something to help others that are going through the pain Hannah Baker that pushed her to end her life.
I believe the series hit me so hard because I was Hannah Baker, however, my seven attempts did not end my life. Today I am grateful for that, but at that time I couldn’t see the upside of being here on earth. I was so lost and broken and wished that someone was able to hear me and help me end the pain. Growing up as a survivor of Sexual Abuse and struggling through the aftermath of the abuse I found myself constantly contemplating ending my life. My feelings were deep and intense and I often felt misunderstood and rejected because I couldn’t just “suck it up” or move past the shame, guilt, anger, and disappointment. I had an overflow of pain along with trying to cope with everyday life so death seemed the best decision at the time.
My first attempt ended with me in the hospital having my stomach pumped, that is an experience I will never forget. And I will never take Prozac again. In an attempt to say my goodbyes to those that I cared about, I called after taking pills and I assumed my voice didn’t sound normal because I woke in the hospital, and I was so angry with myself! The pain was still present and people thought I was crazy and didn’t want to deal with me any longer. At that time I didn’t understand why I was being rejected by people around me, I was a child and didn’t realize that my actions were “scary” or “crazy”and left people reacting in a way that intensified the internal anguish.
I hated my life so much and didn’t believe that there was a way out. Feeling hated by the world around me and believing that something was seriously wrong with me since I continued to find myself in horrible situations and couldn’t control my pain and anger at what had gone on as a result of the abuse. My coping skills were nonexsistent, I cut my to end release the unheard pain, I spent so much time praying to the porcelian god or restricting my meals. While engaging in those behaviors my thoughts were somewhere else and in those moments I was able to focus on something else besides the ugliness and darkness within. I did everything in my power to deal and get through the days. After so many failed attempts to “end it all” I was labeled Seriously Emotionally Disturbed and couldn’t figure out how to be Ok. By that time most people had given up on me and I felt even more isolated from the world around me. I was so ashamed of myself.
Looking back on those times in my life the anguish I felt was so intense and my sense of self was so destroyed that I couldn’t see a point in life. I needed to be heard and supported. I needed reassurance that I was not a loss cause. At this point in life I sympathize with the lost girl that I was and I also sympathize with the adults around that didn’t know what to do. Lack of understanding left me feeling isolated and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Suicide is not something openly discussed until it is too late.
I do not want to be silent any longer. People are hurting and I feel that I can do something to help those that feel alone, misunderstood and broken. I have been in that dark place where it seemed like the pain and anguish would go on forever and wished for one person to hear me. No, I can’t take away the pain but I can listen, read, support and reassure you that you are not alone. The next day can be better. The pain does pass with the right support and tools. Help is available.
After watching Thirteen Reasons Why I feel moved to let people struggling know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!